Lets get right into it, It’s St. Patty’s day and I’m as Irish as Brian Scalabrine so Im gonna celebrate my heritage right. I decide to go to a regular college party with a few bros, but of course theres a keg. Anytime you supply me with free booz Im getting obliterated until my extremities are as nonexistent as Steph Currys Defense. Free Booz + St. Paddy’s Day= A great fucking time. Im running around more than E.T. after drinking two sodas.
So then after a while of multiple beer chugs and a few L’s, of smacking butts in front of there boyfriend and such. I decide to leave with my Aquaintace #1 (won’t say or give specific details so no one gets in trouble.) in an uber back to campus. We Make our way from Roxbury all the way to Boston. (Frogot to mention I go to College in Boston). While in the moving Uber, Im faded like Tyga and, I puke. Not in the Uber though saved $250 dollars *quadruple dab*, I buzzer beater half court my puke throw up out the window onto the sidewalk and now feel better than leaving that girls house after my first BJ. I then Make my way to the Tap in desk (this is wear you hand your R.A your id to let you in the building). I tap my Id in and take the elevator up to my floor. As I’m walking behind me I notice the RA from the tap desk is tailgating my ass cheeks and I ask her whats good. She goes “You reek of Booz, and you slammed into the RA desk”, she’s acting like I’m making a bigger scene than the United Airlanes passenger after getting dragged off his flight. I was like “OK what do you want?”, She goes ” Sit down Im calling The RD”. FUUUUUUUUCCCKKKK
At this point Im absolutely panicking, also still super faded sitting on my bed. My Aquatince is constantly yelling at the RA to leave saying Im fine or whatever. She gets scared and calls the entire police department, thinking we were gonna fight her. She also calls another 7 RA’s. I now have a bigger audience in front of my door then last years Final Four. Then after an hour the RD comes out from under a rock, comes into my room without permission and goes “are you ok?”. I have absolutely no clue who this man, never before seen in my lifetime, and is now asking me about my current mental state. Sir please get your ugly square head ass, Mr. I need Rogaine because Im balder than Steve Van Gundy. This boy’s he’s invading my personal space and getting very close to me (Keep in mind, I’m still extremely aggravated at the RA who got me in trouble, cause now the RA’s here and I know I’m fucked). Then like a retard I ask him “Do you wanna fight?” then immediately after I puke straight onto my dad bod stomach. I feel like the porn series “young and exposed” at this moment in time and, considered the possible option of running away to fucking Terebithia. The RD then has the urge to call the paramedics because he’s never seen a drunk person in his life.
They come and the paramedics are like, “yo he’s good”. Then the RD is like “no he’s not, take him now” (A.K.A I don’t wanna pay for an ambulance I now realize we didn’t need, so lets make this weak body freshman take it and he’ll pay for it). Im like “Fuck I have to pay for an ambulance now”. I then walk out my room into the crowd of people, making me feel like the episode of spongebob where he’s selling the colorful patty’s and has the continent of Africa around him.
Go down to the lobby and take a walk of shame with 3 cops and the ambulance behind me, looking like I just came from a stabbing incident. Makes me take the fucking WAMbulance to the hospital, and then I check out within 2 minutes I think. And since I checked in I have to pay hella money for them making me take the WAMbalance to the hospital and shit.
Then I have a meeting with the RD of my building and he absolutely spreads my buttcheeks and exposes me for the weak whore I am. He hits with me with alleged lines that I supposedly said and, now I cant say If they were true or not cause I was smacked. At first I didn’t think the quotes were true that he showed me but, until I went into deep thought about the incident and then I realized they were real.
The man makes me read them aloud and makes me look like the weakest body on the planet.
the first allegation:
Aquaintance #1:”He tried to bribe me too ‘get the fuck outta here'”. Apparently my acquaintance tried to make her leave with a bribe. this is probably true. As I read this quote aloud, I acted completely surprised as if it were new information. “Mr.RD this can’t be right, Im a great kid” blah blah continuily trying to get my self outta this bull shit situation anyway I can. I quickly find, there is no way out
“In the background the boy sat on his bed and repetitively said ‘Fuck em up
*(acquaintance)*.'” This was a women RD and I don’t hit women. This is not what I wanted to do to this RA, it was taken out of context. My acquaintance is very smart and usually gets outta situations like this so, I was saying “Fuck em up” as in “drop facts on them”, as in show them we were innocent (we completely weren’t innocent though), I was encouraging my acquaintance to please make her feel like a dumb bitch, and show her that your IQ levels are substantially higher than hers. Not trying to show aggression though. Thus was clearly misperceived in this context of the situation. She was being an annoying little thot thot though, I now stare into her soul everytime I see her to remember she’s making me a pay a bill. My girl friends are like “She was just doing her job”, Im like “Fuck dat she aint need do shit”. In addition to staring into her soul, I also make sure she creates eye contact with me everytime at the tap desk, I won’t give her my ID card until we have “that moment”. I do this simply to strike some fear. She constantly tries too grab it without looking overtime though, SIKE BITCH. NOT JUST YET
Allegation 3: “He asked the RA “Do you wanna Fight?”‘, this is a 100% true. The RD was being the coolest out of all of them (not the RD Im meeting with currently). Im down to throw hands with anyone, sober or drunk. I’m with it especially if your getting up in my business.
Punishment: I had to take some BS class, and write an apology letter, and some other BS I don’t wanna get into
In Conclusion: Im a weak body who can’t hold his own. But this is college, can I get smacked and not have to be terrified of loosing a large sum of money because you wanna call the WAMBULANCE on ya boy. All the allegations are true, the punishment was way heavier than the crime I PROMISE. I practically didn’t do anything that bad. But AS JAY Z ONCE SAID
CAN I LIVE !!!!!!