March 2016. My and Papa (Impaired Insights author, not my father) are driving around town racking up fundraising money for our high school alma-mater’s business club. He’s got his If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late CD playing in his CD player and we had just gotten a fundraising check from a local Chinese food restaurant.
Papa: “I left my pen in the restaurant. Lemme run in and get it.”
This man is taking an eternity in there, taking a shit I assume.
I get bored and decide to fuck around with the carphone that is below the CD player. I had been staring at this bad boy all day. I kept asking him if I could play with it and he kept telling me not to because it didn’t work.
Now was my chance.
I try dialing my number. Nope. Looks like Papa was right. Maybe if I push a bunch of buttons it will activate the phone.
2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2. Shit. Drake’s voice has disappeared, just as Papa is walking back to the car.
Me: “Uhh V, I think I fucked up.”
Papa: “She wasn’t gonna let you smash anyway.”
Me: “No… well yeah I fucked up my chances on that one but I think I broke the CD player.”
Papa looks around the car searching for Drake’s voice. “What the fuck. What happened to the music.” And begins trying to get the CD player to work.
Me: “Nah man, I broke it.”
Papa, still pressing buttons in an attempt to fix it exclaims, “You c**t whore! What the fuck did you do?”
Me: “I pressed 2 a bunch of times on the carphone.”
Papa: “I told you not to touch the carphone you fucking mongoloid.”
Me: “It was an accident.”
Papa: “It’s not an accident if you mashed 2 over and over.”
Me: “Well I didn’t just press 2. I tried to call my phone first.”
Papa: “Are you retarded? I don’t have an aux cord. This the only CD I have and it’s stuck in there.”
Me: “I’ll buy you another copy.”
Papa: “Another copy isn’t going to do shit if my CD player doesn’t work, you fuck.”
Me: “My bad.”
Papa: “Shut the fuck up.”
We drove in silence the rest of the day and that was temporarily the end of our friendship. But now I’m his boss, so he has to pretend to like me.
P.S. – Smart move by Drake using the Chik-Fil-A font on that cover. Black people love that shit.