I will preface this article by saying this: I Am Not Gay (not there’s anything wrong with that).
Yeah, I keep having dreams about Tom Brady, but it doesn’t make me gay. Plenty of heterosexual men all across New England are in the same situation and I know that because it was a hotly debated topic at my old workplace. After a vote, we concluded that there is nothing gay about appreciating Tom Brady’s rugged good looks in addition to his impressive football resume.
If you give a man god-like physical features and 5 Super Bowls you can’t blame millions of men for drooling over him. His dimpled chin, his perfect stubble, his Super Bowl ring-covered hand choking me as he – wait… Nope, the gaydar is still reading 0.
3 Super Bowl victories? An impressive feat, but still not worth dreaming about. 4 Super Bowl rings? Maybe the thought crosses your mind once in a while. 5 rings? Go ahead, Tommy. Split me open like a coconut and have your way with me. Make soup of my insides.
Keep in mind he was able to put a ring on one of the hottest supermodels in the world. You know he’s packing heat down there. No shame in acknowledging it.
Wait… can you hear that? I think I set the gaydar off again. Can somebody put it on snooze for me?